My, What a Big Ball You're Dropping There.

Blogging to you tonight from the warmth and safety of the Ach living room with my PJ's on, a Miller Lite in my hand and Him rubbing my feet.   We just got back from seeing the new Sherlock Holmes movie, which, by the way, was actually very good.   Then out to dinner and a few drinks and here we are.  Comfy and cozy on the couch.    

But it's a jungle out there tonight.  Be careful, ya hear?  Don't drink and drive.   I don't have that many readers to begin with!!

Happy 2012, y'all!!

Ach

Anybody Got Any Duct Tape? I Think I Just Broke the Theory of Relativity

I don't get it.

Just yesterday, it was an oppressively hot and humid summer day in So IL and then today I wake up and suddenly it's December fuckin 28th!   WTF??


It wasn't almost 3 years ago that Kid 1 graduated from High School...I know it was just last week.  And Kid 2 can't possibly be a senior this year because I just dropped her off for her first day of kindergarten this morning...


And great googly moogly, what happened to my thighs????


*Sigh*  I think the Effexor is wearing off...


It would appear that the impending New Year has brought about a paradoxical waxing about the passing of time.

  

Where does the time go and why does it go faster and faster, the older I...I mean, you get?

To answer that question, there are several really long, ennui-inducing intellectually stimulating theories that involve logarithms,  temporal attitudes, and endogenous and exogenous causal factors, but I know my dear readers hate to read or are just too lazy, want me to get to the point, so let me give you the Cliff's Notes version:

We get boring.

Sorry, but you're all adults. I didn't think it was necessary to sugar coat it.  


You'll be OK.


Promise.


So anyhoo, in order to adjust my own personal space/time continuum, and theoretically reverse time, beginning on January 1st, I hereby vow to be a more exciting person.  Isn't that nice how it coincided with that New Years resolution shitola?  This is bound to make time move slower than a bread wagon with biscuit wheels.


Now, don't go all bat shit and expect to see me bungee jumping or entering any habanero eating contests right away.  And that polar plunge?

Pale white, goosebumply skin?   NO.  Just No.

But I can tell you what I will do:


1.  I will attempt to run the dishwasher at least once a day instead of waiting until it's bulging at the seams.  You're welcome, Him.


2.  I will walk the dogs along our path in a clockwise pattern, instead of counter-clockwise, at least twice a week.  They're wound tighter than a flea's ass over a rain barrel.


3.  I will try parting my hair on the left.   (I said TRY, people.  I'm not Superwoman, ya know)


4.  I will buy a gallon of milk instead of 1/2 gallon, even though I know the Cap'n Crunch will run out long before the cow juice will.


5.  I promise I will complete my login on Pinterest, even though I really don't understand why.


6.  I vow return my Redbox DVDs without rewinding them.   And to a DIFFERENT Redbox!


7.  I will resist the urge to pick up Him's socks from the floor, even if Huck and Charli want to play tug-o-war with them and they end up longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage.


8.  I will end every conversation that I have with every one of my customers with the words "Mm,kay, Bob?"


9.  I will start signing all of my work emails to my boss with the title "Czaress".


10.  I will get my resume updated. 
        Immediately.


Livin life on the edge, y'all,

Ach

Whatever You Do, Don't Drink Swampy's Kool-Aid

Blog ideas are scarce.

My brain's taking a break.

So you're getting a poem.

(No complaints, for cripes' sake!)

It's two days after Christmas.

And it's all over now.

Ready to take down the tree

And pitch the holly bough.

The kids liked their presents

And Him loves his IPad.

Huck and Charli got rawhides

And my diamond bracelet's so rad.

The leftover ham is now frozen

And the cheesecake's all gone
There's not a damned thing to eat and

I've been starving since dawn.

So we stumbled out of bed

And drove off with a yawn.

On our way to the grocery store,

This is what we happened upon:

Through a bad part of town
Those back roads did wind.
Who would have thought
What a treasure we'd find.

I've no idea what it's doing

Other than holding a torch.

But it looks like it might just

Set fire to that porch.


"It'll be great for my blog!"
I exclaimed from my seat.
"And not only that,
But the picture I'll Tweet!"

It's 25 feet tall

In a yard full of clutter

"Can we pull over for a pic?"

"Grmph" I heard Him mutter.

But pull over he did
And a ditch I did jump
Next to eight feet of chain link
I stood on a stump.

There wasn't much time
So the picture I clicked.

I got back in the car

Hoping Him wasn't still ticked.

But he wasn't pissed.

Over his iPad he leaned

Playing Where's My Water?

Like some maniacal fiend.

We sat there for minutes

Oh his head it did swivel.

"Give me a second

While I finish this level."

On the shoulder we sat

The two of us in the truck.

"I'm almost finished now,

It's just this one last duck."

Him's good at this game

Maybe a little obsessed.

I was feeling left out

And a little bit stressed.

It was all my fault
That game had his attention.
I'd bought him the iPad
Did I fail to mention?

When we finally got home

I did not condemn Him.

I downloaded the game.

If you can't beat em, join em.

Little does he know
With our online pass,
My user name's Ach
I'm the one kicking his ass!

Outness, y'all!
Ach

Bye Bye, Ebenezer!

Well, it's finally Christmas Eve.  I have to admit that aside from spending my first Christmas with Him, I wasn't looking forward to it.  Compared to me, Scrooge was a fucking combination mall Santa/Salvation Army bell ringer.

But here and now, I stand before you to say that I might have been wrong.  And that change of heart may or may not have been preceded by the most beautiful, thoughtful Christmas gift ever.

Yup.  He went to Jared!  And spent hours choosing just the right gift. 

The tiny little (23 lb) ham that Him got for our Christmas Eve dinner is ready for the oven.

Despite how it looks, this is NOT the roast beast of Grinch lore.  Neither are we feeding the entire county.  I don't think.

There's food on the table.  My kids are happy and healthy.  And I have someone who I love and who loves me back. So life is good.

Here's hoping that whatever the Holidays bring you, it makes you as happy as a hog in slop (no reference to the ham.  That's not happy pork) .

Now off I go to kick Him off the IPad he got for Christmas....Angry Birds get really pissed off when they're big!

Merry Christmas, y'all!
Ach

Merry Fucking Christmas, Mm'kay?

OK.  Just a couple of days in and I already ditched the poetry theme, so much like my dream of being a guinea pig farmer and that unfortunate dalliance with glockenspiel lessons, I'm giving up on the 12 days of poetry.

Applause?
 Really??    Really???
 Shit.  This is a tough crowd.

Tuesday night was another first for me.  In case you weren't aware, a week or so ago, Him and I watched It's a Wonderful Life.  The millionth time for Him, but the very first for me.
Please don't judge me.
It's not like I was raised in some remote cave by two wolf uncles named Bubba.  I watched Rudolph and Frosty and A Charlie Brown Christmas growing up.  And we celebrated with gifts and cookies and all that crap.  See?

That's me in the blue, just prior to the ass-whooping from my sister for touching her new toy.  (jk)

And just in case you can't tell how inordinately adorable I was, here's another shot:

Yeah, I know.

I guess I just had a thing for cartoons and claymation.  Still do.

I just loooooved Rudolph and wanted to cold cock those other reindeer for fucking with him because of his 'condition'.

'Cept my taste has gone down the toilet.

Do you know how hard it is to find a decent quality South Park video that is downloadable?  No?  That's why you got the stills.  Sue me.

So anyway...back to Tuesday night.  In a last ditch valiant effort to force some Christmas spirit, we watched Miracle on 34th Street. Not that crappy remake with Richard Attenborough and Dylan McDermott.   

The original.  In black and white, as it was meant to be.  Him says it's the only way to go for a first timer.

And I liked it!   It took awhile, but was eventually able to overlook the fact that it's a thinly veiled Macy's commercial.  And it's got one of the most kick-ass lines in any movie, ever....

"I'm as old as my tongue, and a little older than my teeth".

You know I'm gonna use that.

Merryness, y'all.
Ach

P.S.  Three days and it's O-V-E-R!!!!    Bah Humbug and shit.

It's Earily Familiar to Me

Sometimes posts on Facebook seem to take on a life of their own.  Following is a post and comments from Him's status update on Saturday night....And the ensuing fray:

Watching the show 'Oddities' and a guy brought in this mummified ear to sell them.

 I wonder how much that'll Van Gogh for?

• 
  
  AdLJ  If they paid more than $50 they got Egypt.
  

  Saturday at 7:08pm ·   Like
• Him   I know how much he got for it. Lend me an ear and I'll tell you.
  

  Saturday at 7:11pm ·   Like 
• 
  

  AdLJ    I'd lobe to hear it.
  

  Saturday at 7:12pm ·   Like  
• Him   Let's just say that the price of that and the price of a new Harley are earally similar.
  

  Saturday at 7:19pm ·  Like
• 
  

  AdLJ Aural bet!
  

  Saturday at 7:19pm · Like
• Him That dudes crazy! Definitely marches to the beat of a different eardrummer.
  

  Saturday at 7:24pm ·   Like  
• Him I love watching shows with a mummified ear,
  I think it's Van Goghs, now get me a beer.
  Sorry.....ear-waxing poetic...
  

  Saturday at 7:41pm ·  Like
• 
  

  AdLJ   That show is quite good, with skulls, bones, and such. Its a little known fact that Van Gogh liked to go Dutch.
  

  Saturday at 7:52pm ·   Like
• Him    That guy really seemed cocky after he sold that ear. I thought I was cocky but he's cochlear.
  

  Saturday at 7:57pm ·   Like  
• 
  

  AdLJ Your rhymes they do slay me, like a crematorium. A funny guy like you could fill an auditory-um
  

  Saturday at 8:18pm ·   Like 
• Him I don't think you understand how perverted that guy is. He's gay and has an ear fetish. Apparently he had unprotected aural sex and gave someone hearing aids.
  

  Saturday at 8:24pm ·   Like 
• 
  

  AdLJ    Seriously? I gotta follow that?? I'm deafinitely intimidated.
  

  Saturday at 8:37pm ·   Like
• Him    I never figured you for one to be intimidated, Jayne. I thought you were fearing impaired.
  

  Saturday at 8:47pm ·   Like 
• 
  

  AdLJ   Your stuff should be on billboards all over the world...except a lot of people wouldn't be able to understand the sign language.
  

  Saturday at 9:45pm ·   Like 
• Him     I find advertising by billboard the worst form of so-listen-tation.
  

  Saturday at 10:14pm ·   Like
• 
  

  AdLJ   True. Do you think Vince had tinnitus? Does that ring a bell?
  

  Saturday at 10:24pm ·  Like
• Him    No...he had gasoline. It's what made Vincent's Van Go.
  

  Saturday at 10:36pm ·  Like
• 
  

  AdLJ  Do you know his mother? Verti?
  

  Yesterday at 12:15am ·  Like
• Him   I'm gonna let you have the last word. I have to get up ear-ly.
  

  Yesterday at 12:28am ·  Like
• 
  

  AdLJ   Oh, this isn't over, believe me. But I'm gonna watch some if the new shows that You tube is doing on tv now. Channel 8765. It's called the You-Station-Tube.
  

  Yesterday at 12:42am ·  Like
• Him    I have a friend that's a dentist/ ear, nose and throat specialist. Last week he had 17 patients. All but one were there for teeth cleanings and the last one had an accumulation of earwax that needed to be removed. In one day he cleaned 'SIXTEEN SMILES AND AN EAR CANAL...'
  

  Yesterday at 12:44am ·   Like
• JLHS   OMG...that was like poetry in motion...There was no way I could have held my own in that one!! I applaud you both!!
  

  Yesterday at 12:47am ·   Like 
• JLHS Hey...if he had cleaned out Sixteen ears he could have had Sixteen Candles. ...lol
  

  Yesterday at 12:48am ·   Like  
• Him   Haha! Nice!
  

  Yesterday at 12:49am ·  Like
• 
  

  AdLJ   Van Gogh wasn't a very good sailor so his parents in Amsterdam put him in a rowboat and let him row in one of the semicircular canals.
  

  Yesterday at 12:50am ·   Like
• JLHS   He could have used the wax for ear candling....
  

  Yesterday at 12:52am ·   Like 
• 
  

  AdLJ   Did you know his uncle was from Illinois? Chica Gogh.
  

  21 hours ago ·  · 
• JLHS  I heard the family was still crazy after all these ears...
  

  20 hours ago ·   Like
• 
  

  AdLJ  His brother was a priest. He spent so much time in the confessional that he became deaf. They called it vestibulear.
  

  20 hours ago ·  Like  · 
• 
  

  AdLJ  Get it? Vestibular?
  

  20 hours ago ·  Like
• 
  

  Him  HELLOBE!!! If you have to explain it it's not funny!

  20 hours ago ·   Like  ·
• ML   You guys freakin Crack me up!!!
  

  18 hours ago ·   Like   
• ML   bet he lives on Canal street...
  

  18 hours ago ·   Like 
• JLHS   I heard he had a cochlea infection in his vesticles.
  

  18 hours ago ·  Like
• JLHS  It caused him to throw terrible tympanic tantrums...
  

  18 hours ago ·   Like 
• 
  

  AdLJ   Vinnie was sitting in a bar when a woman walked up and said "Can I buy you a drink?" He said, "No thanks. I've got one ear."
  

  18 hours ago · Like
• Him   Pretty good picture considering it was on the tv. I guess it's the high-deaf.
  

  17 hours ago ·   Like 

  
  

  Outness, y'all,

  Ach