Yeah. You know that saying. And chances are if you're anywhere near my age, you've been the dog more than once.
The other day I did something for the very first time in my 29 years. (Stop laughing. Now.)
I tried coffee.
I know what you're thinking. Sacrilege! How could a young, worldly woman like you have avoided even tasting coffee for so many years and why now? Well, since you asked...it's all because of Him. Oh the things we do for love....
I grew up in a house full of coffee fiends...My mom, dad, and grandma. Every morning my sister and I woke to the percolator heaving forth its first pot of rancid, bitter brew. It was the first of several. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner could have been sponsored by Folgers. I mean, I could understand my dad drinking it. He worked shift work all his life and sleep was always as elusive for him as a World Series title for the Cubs. Then again, given that each pot seemed to get progressively more aphetic and loamy, it's a wonder any of them were EVEN able to close their eyelids. Grandma, like Dad, drank it black. Mom, being the lady that she was, added milk and copious amounts of sugar. Not to say that my grandma wasn't a lady, but having raised six daughters and three sons during the depression era, we were just thankful that it wasn't Jim Beam in her mug.
The fact of the matter is that no one at home ever offered me coffee. Coffee was for adults. Milk was for kids. But my fate was sealed when unbeknownst to the 'rents, at the age of 12 I also realized that Coke was for kids. It was sweet, bubbly, and smelled delicious. It had the caffeine that I would quickly learn to know and become addicted to, plus no third degree burns on the tongue and palate. And, there was no percolating of any kind (unless your sister borrowed and stretched out your favorite sweater, then a shake or two and, "POOF!" Percolation.).
Him believes that coffee is, perhaps the greatest discovery in the history of mankind and cannot fathom that anyone on this planet has never tried it. So, on that fateful day, I acquiesced. I went to the break room here at work and with a shaky hand, filled my "World's Greatest Credit Manager" mug with coffee. Being a coffee virgin, Him encouraged me via text. "For the love of God, don't try it black the first time." So I added sugar. I added creamer. And I took a sip.
Holy f'n mother of God!! Why didn't someone mention the caustic bitterness?? The flavor of fermented ostrich urine? Or that it would subsequently take 3 hours, 2 bottles of Diet Pepsi, four Altoids, and a half gallon of Listerine to rid my taste buds of the putridicity that had just breeched my lips? Ach! *insert gag gurgle here* Pooey!
Foregone conclusion reached. Sorry Juan Valdez. As far as I'm concerned, you can haul yourself and your nas-tay ass back to Colombia where you came from.
Coffee is whack, yo.
